Brian
A collegue that I worked with for the past four years committed suicide on Sunday. My manager asked me to say something at his memorial and to relate an episode, an anecdote, a story. Where does one start though? It is like those competitions where you have to describe something intricate like love or hate in ten words or less.
Brian was different, a shy soft spoken guy who were always
willing to travel, always willing to assist, always smiling. The one photo on
our notice board shows him at the Potjiekos competition, smiling and being
happy. I will forever have that picture in my head.
Susan Cain wrote in her book “Quiet” that:
“Introversion—along
with its cousins sensitivity, seriousness, and shyness—is now a second-class
personality trait, somewhere between a disappointment and a pathology.
Introverts living under the Extrovert Ideal are like women in a man’s world,
discounted because of a trait that goes to the core of who they are.
Extroversion is an enormously appealing personality style, but we’ve turned it
into an oppressive standard to which most of us feel we must conform.”
We wear our loudness as a badge of honour, our
cynicism as a weapon, our outspokenness as a charm. It is understandable. Most
of us have seen things in our lives that will haunt us forever. But in this
culture of brash extrovert survival, we sometimes neglect to make a little
space and time for those who are not like the rest: The quiet observers, the
shy analysts.
People are quick to classify themselves as drivers. Those
who get things do regardless of circumstances, regardless of the cost to people’s
emotions and feelings. That is being said explicitly, but the inference is there. "I do not take no for an answer" "It is my way or the highway" "I am
driver" "I will succeed".
And in all this Brian still stood out as an excellent
investigator, someone who used his traits to obtain valuable information and to
gain the trust of witnesses. He never destroyed a phone in anger, he never
swore, he never became angry. He was empathetic and sympathetic. A rare soul in
this world that we created, our fortress of noise which we build to hide away
our emotions and true personalities, scared that our inner vulnerabilities and
insecurities will be exposed and maligned.
And yet Brian always remained himself, steadfast in a
barrage and deluge of noise.
I have been in a similar position as Brian. With just one little
movement, one single breath separating one from this life and whatever it is
people believe in. It is a dark, terrifying and very lonely place where
phantoms and ghouls of one’s own creation dictate the way forward.
We will never know why he did what he did. Some will say
that what he did was the coward’s way out. But in the end he was a very brave
soul. He held out, he tried to keep going, he tried to live for such a long
time, despite the excruciating almost debilitating pain which took over his
whole being.
Almost with something akin to false Victorian bashfulness we
skirt around terms like mental illness and depression. It is something that is
a shame, a sign of weakness at best, a wallowing in selfish despair at worst.
Both ends of the spectrum presuppose that a depressed individual has control
over his or her moods and choices. But what people do not realise is that when
you are in its clutches, you cannot choose. You cannot act. You cannot think.
In her book Night Falls Fast Dr Kay Redfield Jamison
described this as follows:
“When people are
suicidal, their thinking is paralyzed, their options appear spare or non-existent,
their mood is despairing, and hopelessness permeates their entire mental
domain. The future cannot be separated from the present, and the present is
painful beyond solace. ‘This is my last experiment,’ wrote a young chemist in
his suicide note. ‘If there is any eternal torment worse than mine I’ll have to
be shown.”
So Brian was probably in excruciating emotional pain. And
that pain cannot be eased by codeine or morphine or aspirin. How do you
describe your emotional pain in terms that people can understand? You cannot
point at a broken limb, a gushing wound or a badly discoloured bruise.
So please do not blame him or be angry with him. Let us
rather be honest about this illness that claims more lives every year than the
war in Afghanistan. Let us accept that we do not have the answers. As Dr
Jamison said:
“Each way to suicide
is its own: intensely private, unknowable, and terrible. Suicide will have
seemed to its perpetrator the last and best of bad possibilities, and any
attempt by the living to chart this final terrain of a life can be only a
sketch, maddeningly incomplete.”
Let us not define Brian’s life in terms of the way he died.
Let us remember him as the sensitive, quiet soul with the beautiful smile,
cigarette in hand, laughing in a knowing way at our complaints, curses and
shouts.
And let us use this as a vehicle to understanding. Understanding
that depression can strike anyone, that it is an illness. And that if it strike,
it is not a shame but rather an illness that can and should be treated by
professionals.
And above all, let us celebrate life.
3 December 2013
3 December 2013