The power of doing nothing

So the powers that be decided to send me on a women’s development course. The thinking behind the course is that women, although good at what they do, do not have the natural ability to progress past the glass ceiling. Apparently, women are bad at networking, bad at self promotion and generally bad at blowing their own horns. (Horror of horror, the glass ceiling still exists although HR denies any knowledge of it. But they will investigate.)

This blog is not about the course as it is quite valuable and it teaches a load of useful skills. By useful I mean useful in the corporate sense. It will not teach you how to survive after you voluntarily parachuted into the last virgin jungle on earth inhabited by cannibals. Those skills are taught by Bear Grylls. (Or maybe not.) But then a lot of people will argue that surviving the Bora Kora Tribe of Cannibals is still a lot easier than surviving a supreptious knife-to-the-back attack of that career minded bitch smiling innocently at you at the coffee machine.

Part of the development course involved identifying your strengths.  And based on a 10 minute questionnaire, all humanity is divided into the following categories: The drivers, the analytic ones, the empathetic ones ....sorry, can’t remember the rest. I have always been plagued by adult ADHD except when it comes to memorising the sequence of songs on ABBA albums or the names of books written by Margaret Atwood and Jeanette Winterson.

It appears that most of the people in my development course are what the people in the know refer to as “Drivers.” Those people who in corporate jargon “get the job done.” In ordinary language people who obsess over every little detail, micro manage their teams into asylums (I still like the word. The term “mental health institution” does not conjure up the same sense of dread as the word “asylum.”), hardly ever smiles (except when they greet the client) and colour code their closets.

And then, behold, the Drivers smirked and smiled in a knowingly way, knowing that they are the chosen ones, the superior beings, the ones who will take this accounting firm to the next level of success and world domination. And the rest of us cringed, struggling to admit that our closets are a mess and that we go on holidays without booking accommodation prior to our arrival at our chosen destination.

The tyranny of the drivers and the tyranny of the morning people seem to rule this world. If you do not arrive in Johannesburg, after a 2 hour drive from Pretoria because of horrendous traffic, bright eyed and bushy tailed, you are not regarded as an asset to the firm. If you cannot function without 2 cups of filter coffee, you are not deemed to be worthy of the term “team player.” Sigh.

But is there something to be said for doing nothing. For not necessarily making things happen. For sometimes just letting go? And not worrying about the outcome? Gasp, shock, horror, exclaimed the Drivers.

I tend to fix things. I try to get dying bees to fly again by giving them sugary water in a tea spoon. (A couple probably gave me a bee zap sign, a tiny, extending, quivering bee middle finger. “Just bloody let me die in peace, human”). When my best friend and my then main squeeze decided to hook up, I tried to mend the friendship. When friends turned against me, I tried to do everything in my power to fix it. When my family became embroiled in a huge fight I arranged a dinner for everyone, getting them to make up. When my co-workers are unhappy I try to mediate and fix things. But then something happened and this past weekend and I decided to do nothing about it, despite the hurtfulness of what was said.

And it set me free. I realised that I do not have to fix everything, make everything better for other people, try to understand why they act in a certain way. Not only because of the mere impossibility of succeeding in my endeavours and in the process setting myself up for perpetual failure but because I am just so tired of doing it.

That one moment of not reacting, not fixing, not doing, set me free. It was the most amazing liberation since the day that I decided that I am not a Christian anymore and that I do not have to set my foot in any church, ever again.

Does the act of trying to do something act as a way to ignore the true facts of the matter? Does doing something delay the onset of that realisation of the heart sinking, painful inevitable truth of things? Until you've stopped trying, you do not have to deal with the outcome of a matter. So even the most futile efforts is better than facing what is inevitable.

That is why people pray, that is why they sign useless online petitions. Then they do not have to deal with anything because, in their thinking, there is still the opportunity for change.

Maybe it is time that I should stop doing things, stop trying to fix things. And it is not necessarily a bad thing. Only when you stop will you be able to contemplate and deal with the truth.